Yesterday, I watched a program of BBC named Friedrich Nietzsche: human all too human. There is a sentence that Nietzsche wrote to Elizabeth when he decided to study philology instead of theology: “If you want achieve the peace of mind and happiness, have faith; if you want be a disciple of truth, then search”. These word may change my life, for the reason that after two years of college life my ideal life become the peaceful one like a hermit, but I want pursue the truth. Thus, these words indicate that in my lifetime I should search the truth in order to become the disciple of it.
Taking to my ideal, it is that when I become old, I can live in a peaceful and beautiful place that rather close to the nature and read books, playing piano, guitar, and listen to the music everyday then, doing some research. That is my dream life at least now. But there is another me there, who are materialized, who want the luxuries, who love sports, love rock’n’roll, want to leave in a magnificent house located in the downtown. At this time, the contradiction emerges, which torched me and caused my inner turmoil. Maybe not so severe, but I am now under a situation that is rather agony. I cannot find a way out, the uncertainty of the future, the failures after my every effort. Maybe it is the juvenile normal emotion, and after years I could realize what I really want and what I should be. I want search the answers, want search the answers in philosophy, even if I do not have the talent it can not stop me from loving that for that is my own right.
At the end the present wish of me is that I want go abroad to continue my study and to search for the answers. Hope I could achieve my goal.
Today, I made a decision that I’d take the international GREtest in Singapore, which means less time to play and another semester without rest. And the things I should do is prepare for the 2nd time GRE test to earn a higher score in order to attend a better U and prepare for a 2nd TOFEL test for the same reason and then at the same time I should do my research well to publish the essays. All of these indicate that I have no more time to play my piano and guitar at the first 4months next year. All the test will cost me alot of money and time and energy, but, maybe it is worth doing so. After all these, the hardest part comes, GPA. My gpa is a weak point in my application and it is hard for me to get an A for some reason that I do not know the way to get a good relationship with the teachers and hate to do like that, in addition, my handwriting is another point to reduce my scores. Thus, if I attend the gre and toefl tests, that means I had less time to prepare my final exam. Wish me a good luck.
That is all, recording of my difficult decision.
Last week my friend told me that his qualification of becoming a pilot is withdraw for the reason that he got a gastric ulcer. I am surprised and I want to say something to comfort him but it is hard to express, so I promise him to send a letter to him. Then, I spend 3hrs writing a letter for him and expressed my opinion about life and failure and quoted the lyrics in LP’s new song Iridescent to him. The sentence is ‘Do you feel cold and lost in desperation/you build up hope but failure’s all you’ve known/Remember all the sadness and frustration/and let it go”. When I first heard this song it touched me, it arouses my feelings from the deep heart that I do experiences lots of failures these years and I almost want to give up, and it is so tired to fight for life. However, when I am fascinated by linkin park, I read their story of success that although they are gifted, they experienced a lot before they achieved popularity. And that’s really inspired me to get up again to fight, fight and fight. Maybe we are the abandoned children of God as the words said in the Fight Club, but, what we can do is to fight destiny. It is a little bit hard for me because I am a half-pessimistic person and do not know whether we should believe God or not.
Many stuffs like these in my letter, and I described my feelings after every failure from the transfer test in Freshman year to last month’s TOEFL test which I did not tell anyone include my closest friends. After I entered University, I am more and more self-abased, feeling-closed and arrogant contradictory. Not one true friend I have got since then caused me nowhere to release my own feelings and no one to share my feelings no matter happiness or bitterness. Thus, after three years, I get used to this, get used to the solitary and do all the things by myself: eating, shopping, watching movies etc. And I can feel the precious moment that one can share your earphones when you listen to the music, maybe at that time I will cry.
The private thing I written in the letter prevent me from sending them. So I want apologize to him. And what I want write here is the thing that stored in my deep heart, the feelings that I want express but have no chance to do. I am easy to jealousy nowadays, and I don’t want that to happen. I want to taste the savor of success, want to hug by the accomplishment. And build up confidence in the future. That’s all, though there are still a lotta words want to say, it’s time for The Big Bang Theory LOL.